The family circle-kids taking care of parents

I just don't know where to post this. I am wondering if anyone is planning to take care of their parents one day and if so, how are you preparing for it? I am looking for advice on our situation too.

My parents were teen parents, divorced now, zero to little retirement that I am aware of. Dad just started Dave Ramsey at age 50 and has begun to chunk money aside. They were so poor all their life, it was hard enough to put food on the table, let alone plan for retirement. I am not so worried about my dad though. He is a hard worker. He'll be like his dad, who is still working at age 80-just because he wants to. And he has finally started to plan.

But my mother is a different story. She has nothing saved. She is not working now. She was diagnosed with a disease-Addisons Disease-last summer. Her boyfriend could not handle that and she moved in with us for a while. She worked from home then and saved all her money. She now lives in another city by herself to be close to her grandkids. But when she moved, she was laid off. Her company laid off-900 people-so not entirely her fault. She does not handle stress and has just not have the get up and go to go get another job yet. She is quickly running out of money. She seems to be banking on disability-which she just applied for-or her kids. (there are just two of us). It puts a lot of pressure on me. I don't know for sure if we will need to help her one day and I sure hope it is later rather than sooner. But I still think we should be planning/preparing/setting something aside just in case. I just need some wisdom.

Are you able to afford to take care of her?

Are you willing to do so?

I think these are the two most important questions you need to deal with. A "no" answer to either one pretty much solves your dilemma, as far as finances go.

Unless you are of a particular culture, or mindset, there is no moral or legal obligation to support your parents.

If you have decided that you cannot really afford to take care of your mother, then you do her no favors by not telling her so. Her retirement plan seems to consist of you and your sibling taking care of her. If you feel that's not within your budget, then you need to tell her so, NOW, so that she can begin to make alternate plans for her own retirement.

With her at age 50, and pretty much in need of assistance now (most people with legitimate disabilities have to apply two or three times to get SSDI -- Addison's can be controlled with replacement of the missing hormone), this is not a planning issue. It's really a matter of what you feel you can do -- both financially and morally -- right now.

The thing is, you have to think of your own family, and your own retirement. Are you saving for your and your spouse's retirements? Are you covering your bills? Do you have adequate health and life insurance? If you have kids and you want to, are you saving for their college? If you have all YOUR ducks in a row, perhaps you can afford to help out your mother.

If you can't afford it, you need to tell her. Encourage her to get treated for the Addison's, and find another job. It's not easy, and perhaps at her age she is thinking she "deserves" some kind of break, or to sit back and let other people take care of her. Just bear in mind that these days, 50 is NOT old. My husband is 49, and just today, he was climbing on the roof to paint the chimney. He can run a mile with a 40-pound pack in under 20 minutes. He's about to go back to what is a new career for him -- police work. He's a volunteer firefighter. AND he does all this with chronic back pain from an accident in his workplace 6 years ago.

Honestly, I've been too kind. What your mother needs is a reality check. She's NOT old, and I doubt a treatable condition like Addison's will lead to a disability payout. She needs to resign herself to working until she can afford to retire, and if that's never, then that's how it will be (not everyone can afford to retire, ever). If she's capable, she can also go to trade school and engage in a new career, like being a nurse (high demand in these tough times), or a paralegal. She CAN earn her own money, if only she will. You need to take your hard-earned money off the table, to encourage her in getting her mind right. Otherwise, you get the privilege of supporting her in the lifestyle to which she would like to become accustomed. How long will she live, and how will you be supporting her? My husband's grandmother died four years ago at age 100 -- can you afford to support her for the next 50 years?

Willingness is the best thing you should consider...There is nothing wrong in helping your family, your mother to be exact.I think you don't need some words of wisdom. Its your mom.

Thanks for the input. I do need to hear it. I have worked ridiculously hard to get where I am in life. I do have a good retirement plan and great insurance (health and life), making all my bills. I don't have kids, but I already have a 529 set up for these unborn creatures I am working on making! I have a big house with plenty of room for a relative too. Still no matter how big your house is, having an inlaw there (for likely 50 years!!) is not going to be easy on my husband or family. I have what I have because of the choices I've made. My mom is struggling because of the choices she has made. So, the question I do often ask myself is -I am not a Democrat, why should I bail her out? There is something to be said for compassion toward the parents though. And her disease has her down to 80 pounds so I worry/fret over just how bad she is. She's always struggled with responsibility but we did not know about this disease until last year. She's totally allergic to the sun, won't even go outside. Has panic attacks often. The SSDI has her set for an appt with a psychiatrist soon. I guess this is standard. Anyway, you guys are right. The person who needs the wisdom is my mother. I need to figure out how to bring this stuff up with her too.

Ah, you didn't mention her other ailments. An allergy to the sun might make her a virtual shut-in! She might actually have a shot at SSDI, although it might take several tries (my Dad's ex-wife is the only person I've ever heard of who got it on the first try).

I know you were joking about not being a Democrat (and thus no bailout) -- but might that make you a Republican, and very firm on taking care of family? If you want to link it to politics, you "have" to help her, either way, unless you're a Libertarian.

Better to just stick with the total package -- when you combine what your heart says, what your wallet says, what you can afford, what you think you have an obligation to do, etc etc etc -- then, where do you stand?

Since it sounds like you have decided, then yes, you need to figure out a way to tell her that she can't count on you as a part of her retirement planning process.

Back to your original question -- should we consider parent-care when considering our finances? That's a toughie. Many cultures consider taking care of parents both a moral and social obligation. American culture? -- not so much! Unlike child-care, there is no legal obligation to take care of elders -- if you have children, you are legally obligated to care for them until age 18 (in some states, until 18 AND graduated from high school -- and under some divorce decrees, parents must care for children beyond that). College is not even a legal obligation for parents to give to children, although it is becoming a common social obligation for many.

I think the primary difference for middle-class savers is one of degree of expense. Daily expenses, we tend to absorb -- a child's food, a parent's food, whatever, we can handle it. The big expense we can compare is college versus nursing care, and that's where the differences diverge so dramatically. You have 18 years to save for college (as well as 18 years to come up with an alternative plan, like instilling a drive for excellence that could translate into scholarships).

But for parents? -- what is the time frame for saving for their care, and what is the amount one should save? You are a prime example -- your mother needs care at 50 -- should you have been saving since you got your first job at the mall? Meanwhile, my husband's parents (at 79 and 82) are only JUST at the leading edge of needing care now and then, giving his siblings many more decades to save (had they been saving).

And the final straw is the cost. An extremely expensive college can cost $100,000 for four years, but a parent in a nursing home can blow through that inside of a year or two. Maybe three. Is it even possible for middle class persons -- balancing retirement savings, child-care costs, possible college savings, their own normal middle class expenses like a house and car -- to save for a parent's health care? I think for most of us, the answer is a resounding "no". Even if we very much WANT to care for our parents, most of us will simply never be in a position to afford to care for them without help.

Thankfully, there IS help -- Social Security, Medicare, their own savings, and even a government-paid nursing home system (although there are deep problems with it, it is at least SOME sort of safety net).

If you feel you do owe her some kind of care, you may have to balance what you can do with what others can do. How much will your sibling contribute? Can she work at least part time until Social Security and Medicare kick in? Will she be the kind of live-in mother who is so grateful for a room that she will take care of the vacuuming and cooking, or will she be a drama queen, expecting to be waiting on hand and foot? Does she merely need a roof on her head and some food, or does she need physical care with bathing and dressing? -- if the latter, is that something you can provide, or afford to pay for?

Good luck to you. Even in our situation, where my husband's parents have money enough to pay for whatever level of care they want, we are under stress. For example, my husband is taking two days off work, and losing his weekend, to drive them 200 miles to their new doctors (in a major city, far from their home in the country), and while his mother is in the hospital for her surgery, he will drive his dad around, watch over him in a hotel room, make sure he takes his meds, and otherwise ensure his Dad gets what he needs while his Mom is cared for my the pros. One of his sisters is coming partway through the ordeal to help out. The third's job is in jeopardy because of the economy, and can't afford to take a day off work (and be seen as the unproductive person who could easily be let go), so she can't help at all, although she sends money and nice gifts to the other two to show her support. Even this is hard -- but they are certainly not at the point where they need professional nursing care -- just a hand, now and then, especially with driving to doctors, which they do several times a week.

Its really very important topic now s days kids dont show importance to parents after marriage they throw their parents it should not be happen they should care for them,,,,